“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
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If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
A couple who are silly together stay together.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
wish me luck lads
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks