Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
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I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
The struggle is real
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
me after drinking all the wine:
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.