Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
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KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.