Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
You Might Also Like
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio