[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
You Might Also Like
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
me and the Superbowl rn
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.