So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
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COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Who knew!
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
im 7 sauces long
You sure about that?
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders