I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
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I like donuts.
Twitter:
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.