You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
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Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
R.I.P.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”