Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
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Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman