Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
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Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Gods work.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.