My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
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“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
But wait…
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.