Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
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Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Okey dokey.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.