Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
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My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
my dad has had enough
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.