Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
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What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart