It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
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I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.