When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
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My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.