“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
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How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?