The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
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All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Whisper out to librarians!