The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
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If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Dead
Alive
Other✔
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person