Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
You Might Also Like
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
this chia pet tastes awful
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.