My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
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Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.