When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
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VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.