Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
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artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.