For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
You Might Also Like
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
for all #parents out there
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.