Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
You Might Also Like
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.