Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
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ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more