My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
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[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
I thought this was funny lol
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I didn’t realize that was an option
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.