Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
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There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Omg 🤣
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Simple
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…