I’m giving up for Lent.
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Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!