Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
You Might Also Like
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
584.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman