*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
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Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat