Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
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Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Ugh but profoundly
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁