Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
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A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
won’t smith
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS