Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
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What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
looks legit
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me: