Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
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Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
I feel seen.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
titanic