* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
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When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
i think my razor is having a panic attack