I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
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Möther may I have a snäck
[eulogy]
line?
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*