So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
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[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Writing, She Murdered.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me