God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
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I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.