[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
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Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
I put the mess in domestic.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.