Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
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Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out