(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
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“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Word!
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster