Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
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My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
This was my dad’s browser history.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
These are too funny not to post 😂
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.