The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
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I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing