If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
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If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Y’all know who you are.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.