Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
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Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Easy enough.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.