“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
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Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
our love story in four pictures
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen