I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
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a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Lmaoo 😂
oh no, steve’s working tonight
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend