My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
You Might Also Like
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes