My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
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Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”